


the story

by kkukkungkyun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, I'm sorry Jaehyun, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Songfic, all members a briefly mentioned but only 127 actually show up, but its fine, haechan and doyoung are kind of assholes, no beta we die like men, this does not have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23766904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkukkungkyun/pseuds/kkukkungkyun
Summary: he never went to the doctor to get it checked out, too afraid of them forcing him to get the surgery and take away his love. despite all of the horrible feelings that came along with the disease, nothing could compare to how he felt when he looked at johnny, seeing him laugh with mark and donghyuck, or when he saw him practically smothering their poor dreamies. he wouldn’t give that feeling up for anything, even if it killed him. he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him, but he knew that’s exactly what the managers and his group would demand that he do if they ever caught wind of his problem.and so, he left.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Everyone, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69





	the story

**Author's Note:**

> title from conan gray's the story

_and when i was younger  
i knew a boy and a boy_

jaehyun heaved silently, more and more of the pale, yellow petals he’d grown to loathe falling from his pale lips. he took in a stuttering breath, coughing up a few more pathetic petals. he’d spent an excessive amount of time researching the meaning of his petals. they were from the primrose, a flower which represented eternal love.

sure, the love by itself wouldn’t be too horrible, but along with it came the miserable feeling of knowing that his love is unrequited. that’s what the disease was all about, unrequited love. he knew all of that from the internet, though. he never went to the doctor to get it checked out, too afraid of them forcing him to get the surgery and take away his love. despite all of the horrible feelings that came along with the disease, nothing could compare to how he felt when he looked at johnny, seeing him laugh with mark and donghyuck, or when he saw him practically smothering their poor dreamies. he wouldn’t give that feeling up for anything, even if it killed him. he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him, but he knew that’s exactly what the managers and his group would demand that he do if they ever caught wind of his problem.

and so, he left. in the dead of the night, without a word or a note, jaehyun packed two suitcases worth of stuff, a plane ticket held tightly in one of his trembling hands as he looked around the shared living space that had become his home for the last time. his once bright and warm eyes were filled with tears that made their home on his thinning cheeks. a thin hand made its way up to wipe the salty liquid off as he pushed his way out of the dorm, both suitcases lightly hitting the back of his legs as he walked down the darkened road to the airport. 

he barely felt the cold december air against his skin as he moved further and further from the home that he had called his.

_best friends with each other  
but always wished they were more_

he didn’t go home, that would have been the first place they would look for him. he did, however, call his mom and dad. He cried as he told them about his choice, listening to the sounds of his mom’s heart breaking. his mom cried for her sweet boy, her sweet, sweet boy slowly dying from the naif flowers that threatened to suffocate him daily. his father yelled out, pleading for his god to save his son and protect him. jaehyun found himself praying, too, but not for himself. he prayed for his bandmates, willing for them not to get stuck on jaehyun’s absence or, in the long run, his untimely passing. he prayed that taeyong wouldn’t worry about him too much, that doyoung wouldn’t lock himself away, that the younger boys would continue on their way to the top, that his chinese brothers would continue to work with an unyielding passion, that mark would find another person to confide his feelings into. he prayed that yuta and taeil would take their heads out of their asses and see each other’s feelings. he prayed that jungwoo wouldn’t retreat into his shy shell.

he prayed especially for johnny, hoping that the older wouldn’t forget about him, that he would always remember jaehyun.

he coughed up enough petals to fill a trash bag after that. 

_just wait and see_

he met her in seattle, washington, almost two months after he had first left the dorms. the boys called him for days on days the first couple weeks, until he got fed up with it and got a new phone, the only people getting the number being his parents. he’d only been in contact with anyone from sm once since he left, and that was to leave a message for the manager, before he’d gotten his new phone. he told him to move on, stop postponing and continue with the comeback.

and so, they did. they released their first full album, won an award for their song, simon says, and were even going on an american tour sometime in the summer. 

he had walked into the small restaurant in late february, the small building looking like it was straight out of some cheesy korean drama. he’d been drawn to it ever since he first laid eyes on it, the hangul catching his eye every time he walked by and the voices joyfully shouting the familiar language tugging on his heart. god, how much he had missed feeling the familiar comfort of hearing people speak korean? as he sat and waited for his order, jaehyun pulled out his phone and began scrolling through his favorite means of social media, twitter. he’d originally gotten his private account just to keep up with the boys while he wasn’t there, but it soon became addicting to him, just like every other social media. as he scrolled through picture after picture of his old friends, he could feel that small tickle in his throat after every picture of johnny. he looked _really_ good with his new haircut. as the tickle got stronger, jaehyun soon felt like couldn’t hold it in any longer. jaehyun abruptly stood up in an attempt to rush towards the bathroom, only to come to a stop as he slammed into a much smaller girl, one of the waitresses, knocking over the large tray she had been balancing on two small hands. 

as soon as jaehyun opened his mouth to apologize, the tickle he had tried to shove down grew worse and petals began tumbling out, bringing him facing the ground as he heaved and heaved and heaved more of the loathsome petals. the small girl stood frozen for all of three seconds before she sprung into action. one tiny hand found its place on his chest and the other on his back as she pushed inwards on them. jaehyun could almost immediately feel his airways open up as he hacked up the last petals. 

jaehyun opened his teary eyes to look into warm, amber eyes as the girl smiled at him and helped him up. she turned slightly towards another worker who stood a few steps away, looking very panicked as she took in the scene.

“hanbi, will you please clean this up while i take him upstairs,” she called to the other girl, who nodded dutifully and began grabbing the cleaning supplies.

“ah, of course,” the girl carefully called back, giving jaehyun a shaky but reassuring smile. jaehyun managed a weak grimace back, following the first girl out of the back and then up a flight of stairs to a small apartment above the restaurant. she pushed open the door after unlocking it, gesturing for jaehyun to enter the small home. he followed her into a small kitchen, watching silently as she fumbled around for a pot to fill up with water and then put on the stove.

“warm tea will help with your throat. i hope you aren’t allergic,” she spoke up softly, glancing over at jaehyun who shook his head, “great! please, have a seat,” he sat down quickly, thanking her for her generosity, which she just waved off, “i’m soojin, by the way. and you are?”

“i’m jaehyun. or jeffrey. whichever you prefer,” he spoke quietly, “i’m sorry about the mess.”

“don't even worry about it, love. it happens to the best of us,” soojin waved him off quickly, pouring the water into the cup and letting the tea steep as she handed him a warm mug. 

“thank you, soojin-ssi,” he quietly thanked as he held the cute mug in both hands. 

“none of that. just call me noona,” she winked cheekily, pouring another glass of milk and sitting across from him. 

“are you even older than me,” jaehyun wondered aloud, sipping on the tea as he watched her. 

“i don't know, am i? i’m twenty-one, i was born in ninety-nine,” she told him with a smile. 

“guess you'll be calling me oppa. i’m twenty-three, i was born in ninety-seven,” jaehyun told her teasingly. 

soojin laughed heartily as she looked back at him with a smirk, “jaehyun-oppa, you're so old,” she teased back with a giggle. jaehyun laughed along with her, finishing his tea and setting the mug down. 

“soojin-ah,” soojin hummed in response as she moved her warm eyes to meet his, “how do you… know so much about my condition,” he asked tentatively. soojin’s smile became noticeably tense and sentimental as her hand unconsciously came to rub her chest. 

“hanahaki isn't that uncommon, jaehyun-oppa,” she tells him quietly, pulling the shoulder of her shirt down to reveal part of a scar that stretched from the top of her shoulder and down past her shirt. 

“you… did… did it hurt?”

“no, they put me under anesthesia so i didn't feel anything.”

“i didn't mean like the surgery. i meant after it,” jaehyun quietly corrected himself, watching her carefully as she fixed her shirt.

“it wasn't as bad as people say, no. i just felt like... it was like my heart was empty.”

_and the movie's always running in my head_

he ended up staying with soojin at her apartment instead of a hotel for three more weeks until they decided to leave. jaehyun still wasn't going to get the surgery and soojin wouldn't make him get it, no matter what. that being said, soojin didn't want the poor boy to be stuck in her apartment until his dying days and she also didn't want him to be alone. so, she put in a leave of absence at work, which her boss, who acted as a mother to the two younger adults, immediately approved. they bought plane tickets to new york and set off the next week, soojin’s boss and her younger coworker hanbi sending them off with watery smiles and promises of skype calls. the two settled in on their plane ride, excitedly looking through some cheesy tourist book they had collected before they left, circling everything that the two of them wanted to visit or do. 

they had been in new york for almost three months before all of the happiness that they had built up came crashing down. 

_all the people, all the lovers, all my friends_

it was their average day, both soojin and jaehyun playing tag at the park like children. jaehyun had been feeling much better this past week or so than he had in months. as he chased soojin through the park, their game came to a halt as she slammed her small body into another, larger body. she fell onto the ground with a cry of surprise. at the sound, jaehyun immediately ran over, his thin hands wrapping around her equally thin arms as he helped her up and checked her over for any injuries. soojin giggled, waving him off as she told him she was fine. 

“jaehyun,” a shell-shocked voice spoke from in front of them. jaehyun looked up, his grin fading as he took in the sight of his old leader in front of him. taeyong looked exactly like he had the day jaehyun left, albeit a little more tired looking. doyoung stepped up beside taeyong, staring at him, wide-eyed. soojin glanced uneasily between jaehyun and the boys, feeling the tension between him and the other seven boys crowding behind the first two as they caught sight of him. 

“taeyong-hyung, doyoung-hyung,” jaehyun quietly breathed out, almost dazed and breathily. seeing the look on his face and the panic in his eyes, soojin stepped forward, almost on instinct, as if she was protecting jaehyun from the group of near strangers that she'd only seen a handful of times when jaehyun would show her pictures he found of them. doyoung’s eyes grew cold as they immediately moved to her petite form while taeyog took to glancing wearily between the two of them.

jaehyun was stunned into silence until doyoung spoke up, “not going to introduce us to your _friend_ , jaehyun,” he didn't take his eyes off of the girl, who stared right back with a frown on her usually smiling face. jaehyun startled as he looked at soojin as she turned her eyes back to him, worriedly. 

“this is soojin,” he spoke quietly, taking a shaky breath and placing a trembling hand on her shoulder to ground himself. 

soojin smiled tentatively, bowing slightly at the boys, “it's nice to meet you all, jaehyun-oppa’s told me a lot about you guys,” she told them, her soft voice making the others tear their eyes away from jaehyun to look at her in surprise as they heard their native language come from her mouth. 

“it's nice to meet you too,” taeyong replied, bowing shallowly back to the girl before he turned back to jaehyun, “where… where have you been, jaehyun,” jaehyun almost froze at the question until soojin placed a on the hand resting on her shoulder, reminding him silently to take a breath. 

“i was in seattle for a little while. about three months, i think, and then i was here,” he weakly gestured to their surroundings as he smiled shakily. 

“with your girlfriend,” donghyuck spoke up from behind the boys, his once warm and friendly eyes staring at jaehyun with an indignant look. 

“no,” jaehyun quickly blurted, “soojin isn't my girlfriend, we met while i was in seattle. she let me stay with her while i was there until we decided to take a vacation here.”

“as if this whole thing wasn't a vacation, _jaehyun_ ,” doyoung spoke, venomously glaring at soojin, who had long lost her smile. 

“doyoung, that's enough.” taeyong quietly spoke up, eyes finally tearing away from jaeyhun as he glanced back at doyoung.

“no, it's not. do you have any idea how long we looked for you? how exhausted and worried we were? and then our manager, _of all peopl_ _e_ , gets a call from you, telling us to just _move on_? as if that was an option for us? you were our brother, jaehyun! did you even stop to think about how selfish you were bei-,” soojin stepped up again, cutting him off with a poisonous glare that matched his, only with five times the anger. 

“ _ya!_ who the hell do you think you are, huh? you have no right to tell jaehyun-oppa what he should have done or not done and you definitely have no right to try and guilt trip him into feeling bad for you! did you ever stop to think that maybe, _just maybe,_ he had a reason for leaving,” she spat out.

“oh he had a reason, yeah? then what was it? please, jung jaehyun, tell us all about this _life-changing_ reason you had for _just up and leaving us in the middle of the night_ _,_ ” doyoung all but shouted at him. jaehyun launched forward as he saw soojin clench her fists, placing both hands on her shoulders, seeing another person do the same for doyoung from the corner of his eyes. as he looked up at doyoung, he felt the tickle returning his throat, the petals violently trying to force their way out. he forced his eyes forward to look at the root cause of his problems, seo johnny. he was a beautiful as ever, even more beautiful that he was in the pictures. jaehyun could feel the petals rushing up his throat, quick to make themselves known. when he first he coughed, one lonely petal came out. then it was two, then three, then four, and then it wasn’t stopping. 

soojin placed her hands on his chest at the first sight of a petal. as he coughed and coughed, she murmured sweet words of reassurance to him as she pressed on his heaving chest. taeyong had moved forward, his eyes panicked, but stopped dead at the vicious glare given to him by the frantic girl. doyoung and the other boys stood frozen as they watched their brother heave up piles of flower petals in the middle of the park. Some people slowed to glance at the scene but continued moving as soon as they saw the cause, giving jaehyun, who they had come to recognize from the past couple of weeks, pitying looks. the other boys could only watch in shock and fear as they watched their friend vomit the flowers from his mouth. 

as the petals didn't stop, soojin could feel herself panic, pressing harder on his chest to no avail. they kept coming in bursts. tears began falling from her eyes as she pressed harder. as he saw her tears, taeyong startled out of his shocked stupor, yelling loudly to the boys. 

“someone call an ambulance,” he yelled, turning to the others. 

“no,” soojin immediately screamed back, “you can't, he doesn't want it, he doesn't want to, you can’t make him,” she cried out helplessly as she held his chest, his breathing finally starting to get better and the flow of petals lessening until they finally stopped.

jaehyun took in deep, shuddering breaths wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. soojin let out her shaky breath in relief. it had never been that long or that bad before. he was getting worse. she smiled through her tears as jaehyun looked at her. he weakly raised his arm which she immediately threw herself into, holding him close as he took his turn in whispering reassurances to the tearful girl in his arms. 

taeyong and the boys continued to watch with concerned eyes, not saying a word until doyoung has enough of the silence, “you have hanahaki disease,” he stated more than he asked as he brought the duos attention back to them. soojin glared through her tears and tightened her arms around jaehyun as they looked at the group of boys. jaehyun smiled down at her fondly, reaching his hand up to ruffle her hair. 

“maybe this isn't the best place to talk about it,” jaehyun pointed out, lifting soojin up delicately as the girl plastered herself to his side. 

_and I hope that they all get their happy end_

jaehyun found himself at soojin and his current hotel room, all of the boys spread across the room as he and soojin sat on her bed. they all looked around uncomfortably, avoiding looking at jaehyun and soojin who talked quietly on the bed as he sipped on a mug of warm tea that soojin had insisted on making the second they got back. doyoung, once again fed up with the awkward silence in the crowded room, took his chance to speak up. 

“how long have you had it,” he asked, looking at jaehyun expectantly. 

“since about two weeks before i left,” he answered immediately, voice quiet in the small area. 

“why didn’t you get rid of it, hyung? why won’t you get the surgery,” this time it was mark, the young boy looking at him with wide, sad eyes. 

“i refuse to lose my feelings like that, mark-ah.”

“nothing is worth that kind of pain, jaehyun-hyung,” donghyuck cut in sharply. 

“because you would know,” soojin shot back, surprising everyone with her vehement response. donghyuck focused his eyes on her and glared back at her. 

“oh, and what, you would,” he spat back just as angrily. 

soojin’s face fell immediately, her eyes losing the fiery heat before jaehyun stepped in, “that's enough, donghyuck,” he spoke, small hand wrapping around her wrist in an attempt to provide her with some comfort her. he knew the effect talking about her lost love had on her. donghyuck stepped back like he had been burned, hurt eyes looking at him in betrayal. 

the boys could all tell by now that jaehyun and soojin both were close. maybe even closer than the boys and him had been. it was in the way that both of them stood, looking ready to jump in front of each other at the first sight of a problem or danger, even if the supposed danger was them. it was in the way that all they needed was a simple touch to calm each other down. it was in the way that the two of them spoke with their eyes rather than words. they weren't just friends, it seemed. they were was more like soulmates. completely platonic, of course, given by the flowers that they had seen pour from jaehyun’s mouth. even then, soojin was right next to him, pressing his chest and holding his hand through the aftermath. they could tell that the two of them were good for each other and that she was what jaehyun needed, and right now, that's all that they could ask for. 

_in the end_

it had only taken a month after that for everything to fall apart once more. 

jaehyun had refused to come back to the band now that they were all aware of his condition, claiming that he didn't want to overwork himself. soojin knew it was because he couldn't handle being around johnny. he had, however, given the boys his new number after they begged him for it. soojin supposed that it happened because he was now in close contact with johnny. 

she had woken up around three in the morning to the sound of him retching. she rushed into the dimly lit bathroom as soon as she realized what she was hearing, dropping to her knees next to him and doing her usual chest pressing. it wasn't until almost forty minutes had gone by that she realized that this was different. as his breathing leveled slightly, but not completely, jaehyun pulled away to face her with tired eyes, small droplets of blood. she laughed bitterly, rubbing it away with a towel. 

“we need to take you to the hospital, oppa,” she quietly told him. his only response was a nod. they had talked about this plenty of times before. when it was too far along, they would take him to the hospital so he would be monitored and taken care of. at least now they couldn't force him into the surgery, given that the roots of the plant were too far imbedded into his chest,

clenching at his heart. 

the ride to the hospital was quiet and the check-in was even quieter. as soon as jaehyun was given a room he requested that soojin stay with him, the staff quickly pulling in an extra cot for the young girl.

“should i call them,” she questioned, pulling out her phone. jaehyun shook his head, making her put her phone away immediately. 

“tomorrow. i’m tired right now,” he told her, rolling over in his side to face away from her cot. she smiled sadly, staring at his back before turning the opposite way and closing her eyes. 

_oh, and i'm afraid that's just the way the world works_

he didn't make it through the night. soojin was woken by the loud beeping of his heart monitor and the nurses and doctors shoving her out into the hallway where she stood, tears rolling down her numb face as she silently pulled out her phone and called the leader of his old band. 

“taeyong-ssi,” she choked out into the phone as he answered. that was all she needed to say. 

“where are you?” as she relayed the name of the hospital, taeyong rushed around to get the members into a van and to the hospital. they met her out in the hall, the small girl’s sobs wracking through her small body. 

johnny immediately burst into tears at the sight of her, crying on the floor in front of his room. 

_  
it ain't funny, it ain't pretty, it ain't sweet_

the funeral was personal but on the larger side, taking place in his hometown of seoul. his family and friends from home, all twenty-one of group members and other sm employees who had been close to jaehyun came, along with hanbi and soojin’s boss, both mourning the loss of their new friend and almost-child. jaehyun’s parents introduced themselves tearfully to soojin, whom they had only heard of from their phone calls with their son. they invited her to sit up front with them and the boys from the band, which she accepted with tears swimming in her eyes. 

it was over as quickly as it started, and soon the boys and soojin were left staring at the newly placed headstone where jaehyun now lay. 

_jung jaehyun_

_february 14th, 1997 - november 19 th 2020,_

_in loving memory of the boy who lived and died for love._

_\--_

_just wait and see_

_\--_

_a short epilogue_

nct went on hiatus for a year following jaehyun’s passing. though the boys had grown used to not having him around, it hurt more to know that they wouldn’t be able to see him ever again. there was no home to cling to anymore. they had lost a member of their family, someone that they would have given their lives up for. when they did come back, it wasn’t the same. fans were devastated when they heard the news, other groups offering their condolences. it was a hard time for the group and they all had trouble finding their will to work hard.

soojin contemplated moving back into her small apartment in seattle and starting work back at the restaurant for a while. it never happened. she couldn’t bring herself to move back into her lonely apartment after it had been filled with such good memories of jaehyun. instead, she moved in with hanbi, her cheerful coworker. the young girl quietly began to heal but she never let herself forget about the boy who had wormed his way into her mundane life.

_it’s not the end of the story_

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i hope you enjoyed this kind of sad story. i really love hanahaki stories and i wrote this a while ago as a seventeen fan fiction, but i re-edited it and wrote it as an nct fit instead because i grew out of seventeen.
> 
> the song i used to break up parts of this is the story by conan gray. the song's meaning doesn't really have anything to do with the story, i just like some of the lyrics for it!


End file.
